is this a job or... what..?

Big of me. I went there -in peace- to find some paraguashan grass. At first I thought he had confused when he told me to go to his place. But no, there he was with his many rats expecting me. ''Weird'' I thought, but I was very relaxed and through those two hours I didin't even try to be inviting or cool or anything, i shut the very fuck up not to say anything stupid (in fact, right when I was thinking that it was O.K. to be in silence I realize in his door it says 'If what you are saying is less important than the silence, just keep quiet' (or some shit like that) and I thought it was right. So just passing time really -kinda surprised I must admit- and suddenly watching an awkward episode of family guy and suddenly he behaving like a little boy and... suddenly making out! What? So weird but, wasn't that what I wanted for so long? Well that's what I thought so I decided to get carried away.

Ok so the very minute I decided that I realized he wasn't suuuch a good kisser, well, not that I could recall, I kept going. It was a bit tense actually, I tried my best to let go but I was surprised indeed! Then he kinda suggested (he didn't say anything, you know how it is) that I should get down there, so I didbutyoutellmexactly WHY??! Was I supposed to be the one to redeem or something? ''Whateva'' was my next thought, and so I took care of bussiness...

One of my issues is us girls (cause man, I'm just a girl)(I rather not be) saying this kind of stuff. ''I took care of bussiness''... like, are you fuckin' kiddin me? And I did it, I really got to it. Why is that? Why and how in the world! is it that we girls became -voluntarily- the new but not even ultimate male masturbation? What is wrong with us? There's even a funny part! At one point me thinking ''he's not really those shallow and egocentric and pathetic kind of guys'' and then in a truely brief period of time (me too) sucking his thing like.. like some idiot really like like I was in charge of that...?! Come on!... What the fuck is wrong with me?

So I sucked the thing until I realized I was being stupid so I looked and him and said ''que onda'' and the make out restarted. ''Ok let's just get it over with'' I told myself. And what happened next was very pathetic. I rather not even describe it. Worst sex ever.

I should have stayed fresh and not smoke. If not, I should have consider some other person to satisfy that need for me. If not, I should have left after that Family Guy episode and if not, at least I should have been paid. Really. If I'm gonna be such a brainless person for someone else, the least I should do is charge the hour! God! I could even have said some joke -that wouldn't have been a joke actually- like ''to you i'll make a special price sugar'' ..though maybe it would have sound like a threat (and I would have meant it). Why didn't I took a minute to evaluate and try to visualize the outcome of that scene? Just one fucking moment, those 5 minutes he spent acting like a primary school boy pushing me and playing around and being so fucking ridiculous. Right when I seemed back to normal, when I was quiet calm and peaceful with myself. But no, it must be screwed evey single time, I must get screwed every single time (literaly also). And by myself! What an ass.

So being an asshole (and just that only) is it forever? Can I change that? Will I EVER stop doing stupid things or -somehow- I'll finally learn? Am I ever gonna learn to THINK not after or in the middle or at ANY point AT ALL but BEFORE acting? Well that's a mistery for me too folks!

Walking back home I was like ''Was that.., Am I...? Wait, did I just....? .........What the hell just happened?''

(...)

I guess I better go once and for all to a fucking shrink.

Cuándo has matado nuestro amor?

mi rock ya fue. cuándo? no sé cuándo sucedió. pero sé que no fue así de espontaneamente momentáneo. fue una acción que duró en el tiempo y todavía no termina. algún día va a terminar? es progesivo el desgaste porque ese amor está muerto. cuando el amor muere nada puede rescatarlo. cuando comienza el desgaste aún hay tiempo de salvarlo. pero tanta insistencia en la enfermedad desgasta hasta que deshace. y eso no es lo peor. esta enfermedad no es conciente. está dada naturalmente por el sólo hecho de ser humanos. pero el exceso de pensamientos (en nuestra raza es un exceso comparada con las otras) a veces se sobrelleva. cuando la mente es segura, por más que ella se desborde de pensamientos, siempre va a reconocer entre la verdad y la máscara de complejos. entonces la enfermedad está, pero el alma la domina. y si una vez que comienza no se la reconoce, el riesgo puede ser la fatalidad misma de que colapsen los sentimientos por culpa de ese exceso, esa enfermedad humana tan difícil de sortear. que el alma sucumba ante la mente, la peor de las limitaciones conocidas en nuestra raza. que muera el amor. cuándo fue? alguna vez terminará? nada lo rescata de la muerte. pero el amor sí que no es como los humanos. a diferencia de nosotros, él sí revive.

te preguntarás cuándo nuestro amor he matado yo

y me dirás: ¡ asesino !

HOY

img cortesía de palo cuello

img cortesía de revista El elefante Rosado


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