is this a job or... what..?

Big of me. I went there -in peace- to find some paraguashan grass. At first I thought he had confused when he told me to go to his place. But no, there he was with his many rats expecting me. ''Weird'' I thought, but I was very relaxed and through those two hours I didin't even try to be inviting or cool or anything, i shut the very fuck up not to say anything stupid (in fact, right when I was thinking that it was O.K. to be in silence I realize in his door it says 'If what you are saying is less important than the silence, just keep quiet' (or some shit like that) and I thought it was right. So just passing time really -kinda surprised I must admit- and suddenly watching an awkward episode of family guy and suddenly he behaving like a little boy and... suddenly making out! What? So weird but, wasn't that what I wanted for so long? Well that's what I thought so I decided to get carried away.

Ok so the very minute I decided that I realized he wasn't suuuch a good kisser, well, not that I could recall, I kept going. It was a bit tense actually, I tried my best to let go but I was surprised indeed! Then he kinda suggested (he didn't say anything, you know how it is) that I should get down there, so I didbutyoutellmexactly WHY??! Was I supposed to be the one to redeem or something? ''Whateva'' was my next thought, and so I took care of bussiness...

One of my issues is us girls (cause man, I'm just a girl)(I rather not be) saying this kind of stuff. ''I took care of bussiness''... like, are you fuckin' kiddin me? And I did it, I really got to it. Why is that? Why and how in the world! is it that we girls became -voluntarily- the new but not even ultimate male masturbation? What is wrong with us? There's even a funny part! At one point me thinking ''he's not really those shallow and egocentric and pathetic kind of guys'' and then in a truely brief period of time (me too) sucking his thing like.. like some idiot really like like I was in charge of that...?! Come on!... What the fuck is wrong with me?

So I sucked the thing until I realized I was being stupid so I looked and him and said ''que onda'' and the make out restarted. ''Ok let's just get it over with'' I told myself. And what happened next was very pathetic. I rather not even describe it. Worst sex ever.

I should have stayed fresh and not smoke. If not, I should have consider some other person to satisfy that need for me. If not, I should have left after that Family Guy episode and if not, at least I should have been paid. Really. If I'm gonna be such a brainless person for someone else, the least I should do is charge the hour! God! I could even have said some joke -that wouldn't have been a joke actually- like ''to you i'll make a special price sugar'' ..though maybe it would have sound like a threat (and I would have meant it). Why didn't I took a minute to evaluate and try to visualize the outcome of that scene? Just one fucking moment, those 5 minutes he spent acting like a primary school boy pushing me and playing around and being so fucking ridiculous. Right when I seemed back to normal, when I was quiet calm and peaceful with myself. But no, it must be screwed evey single time, I must get screwed every single time (literaly also). And by myself! What an ass.

So being an asshole (and just that only) is it forever? Can I change that? Will I EVER stop doing stupid things or -somehow- I'll finally learn? Am I ever gonna learn to THINK not after or in the middle or at ANY point AT ALL but BEFORE acting? Well that's a mistery for me too folks!

Walking back home I was like ''Was that.., Am I...? Wait, did I just....? .........What the hell just happened?''

(...)

I guess I better go once and for all to a fucking shrink.