In every crisis there's an initial confusion, then pain, then heal and last but not least there's an age of despair days. Is a transition, like a baroque era full of invisible days, time does not seem to pass and desperation is imminent. Is it avoidable to fall in disgrace like that? Is it manageable? I feel docile to it, i keep feeling i am not leading my own life. The regular rule lately is been to just do and never stop and so i can forget what i've lost. But the day I stop, will i recognise myself? Sounds like another big excuse to let everything aside and go back to the same old me with the fragile will. There's where I desperate, there's when I crumble into my weakness. If I could just let myself go without having to be pendent of not letting my whole life go, I still feel the throbbing trace right behind me and all my past's ghosts waiting for me to make a mistake. i'm sure i won't, i'm certain, i'm happy and i don't need to mess my life to feel awake. But isn't mess a great way to learn? Gettin' messy has always been my specialty, but is just now that i'm doing the learning part and I won't mess it. Not even when desperation knocks me out.